I couldn’t believe it myself until I a saw it with my own eyes on the internet! Bolivian People now have figured out that the internet is bigger than hotmail!
This is crazy, what next? Maybe Bolivians will figure out that they don’t have to sacrifice a llama to the devil every year? I don’t know, that might be pushing it…Check this out faithfull readers. A program in La Paz, Bolivia is teaching people how to blog.
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I know what you’re thinking: Why does a third world country need to blog? Good question. To answer this complicated yet important question, bigbowlofsoup was determined to ask the expert in the field of bolivian blogging. Besides me of course there was only one man who dared to venture off into this unknown field of Aymara Blogging.
Unfortunately, I’m still looking for his contact information so it might be a while, but stay tuned. Sooner or later that blogging bolivian will have no choice but to answer my emails….
-the food inspector
Wonderful, it’s now official. I dislike (hate) Cinco de Mayo. But why, if mexican blood doesn’t even flow through my veins? That’s simple; because I’m brown and on this day I have the pleasure nay the honor of witnessing first hand the book by Gringos for Gringos on what to do throughout this flamboyant holiday. These are the 10 of the thousands of guidelines Gringos are asked to follow religiously.
1. On this day I will not only congratulate every brown person I know but I will also include people who appear to or may be brown after major sunlight. This also includes some blacks. Some may be Cuban, you never know.
2. I will go to a pure authentic mexican restaurant like Taco Bell or Taco Time both of which will make me think outside the bun and where I will be distracted by a suspicious talking Chihuahua as I eat unaware of what’s inside my Taco.
3. I will remember the great day of Mexican independence meanwhile, ignoring remarks from those “wannabe” historically correct brown people telling me that cinco de Mayo is actually a celebration of the battle of Puebla. Can you believe these people!
4. I will not talk to my minutemen friends on this day due to the fact that they are probably unavailable. They are too busy hiring illegal immigrants by the dozen to finish their backyard fountain before mother day comes. Those hypocrites.
5. I shall appreciate and remember everything immigrants both legal and “illegal” do for me and the economy. I shall remember today and forget tomorrow.
6. I will celebrate this day with as many other Gringos as I possibly can. Someone has to celebrate for the mexicans while they clean my table and finish building my house.
7. Today I will subconsciously believe in the virgin mary.
8. Today I will use Cinco de Mayo as an excuse to intoxicate my self with ,if no alcohol is available, Tacos.
9. Today I will use words like “Orale! (Or-a-lay) and “andale” (an-da-lay) both of which I will use incorrectly and probably when I am intoxicated with number 8.
10. Today I will visit bigbowlofsoup.com as I usually do every day. I will thank my deity for the food inspector and his wise words of wisdom even though he claims he’s not mexican, deep down inside I secretly think he is.
Like I mentioned, there are many other guidelines to follow but it would take me precious Cinco de Mayo celebration time to write them all. However, you are welcome to add any others I have missed.
- the food inspector
P.S. After deep consideration, I think I’m starting to like Cinco de Mayo.
Thanks to CNN and Wierdthings, I have begun to like supersition. If any thing, it entertains me while I patiently await a video to download. No doubt an educational video.
Warning to all you non-hindu believers (may Durga forgive your sins) this next video may just convert you today, tomorrow or in your next life when you reincarnate as a hindu.
It’s about time we start seeing some real competition between the gods. I was just starting to believe that they were all being lazy. I for one would indulge myself in a grand battle royal between all these Deities.I assume it would look something like this:
As a side note that is not to the side at all, I would like to make it clear that I do not know which one of these is the christian god or the muslim one but we all know the Hindu God is in a rural part of india somewhere. Other depictions of this fight would look like this:
looks to me like Sonic, I mean Mithra or Shiva, is winning. In other superstitious parts of the world, people have claimed sightings of the virgin mary on various objects such as Pretzels and a grilled cheese sandwich.
This baby sold for 28,000 dollars.
price of a pretzel looking like the virgin mary: $10,950.
The look on everyones faces as the buyer eats his prize: Priceless
-the food inspector
Possible god fight?
I write for my university’s Newspaper and obviously I get censored- a lot- so I will post my writings on bigbowlofsoup with only minor changes.
So you’re in your family room playing Wii with your highly political friends and one of them, the one with the goatee of course, asks whom you’re going to vote for? You freeze and put your Wii remote down and scratch your head. Sure your friend’s out of the blue question threw you off guard but still you hadn’t pondered about this, so now what?
Don’t worry, since you’ve read bigbowlofsoup, you will be able to fight your way to an intellectual response. For example whenever I don’t know the answer to something I always answer with “it depends”. Well if ever asked this question of which candidate you will vote for then answer with “it depends on the vice-president”. Genius, I know but here’s why.Let’s face it, America, as prideful as she may be is no feminist. She will have to wait many years until a woman takes the driver’s seat. For those of you who are following the political race as close as I’m following Golf (Tiger Woods as far as I know), the presidential race will only then consist of a charismatic Martin Luther King look alike and an Old worn out war hero from Arizona with cured skin cancer. Oh, and don’t forget Ralph Nader who can’t wait to ruin it for the Democrats again.
Trying not to offend Barack Obama’s posse, I need to be blunt and with that in mind; Barack Obama will be shot. I know, sounds terrible and crazy to think that someone so young and refreshing could be harmed but need I remind you of the JFKs, John Lennons, Gandhis, MLKs, and Benazir Bhuttos of our time? As far I as I know, there are still many racist people in this country just as there are some who still believe the earth is flat. We’ve all seen this movie before haven’t we? Black man gets educated, Black man gets successful, Black man creates change and then Black man gets shot or in 24’s version, poisoned through shaking someone’s hand. Who and how are great questions. Something surprising and creative I’m sure but you never know it could end as an uncanny conspiracy.
So McCain should win your vote by default you say? Not necessarily. In fact if McCain even gets close to Obama’s popularity and somehow crawls to the white house making it even more white in a sense (even though he was born in Panama), he will no doubt die of a heart attack or one day wake up in his king-sized presidential bed thinking he is being held captive by little Asian terrorists who may just look like Jackie Chan. The stress would kill anyone. So do you see how important the Vice-president will be?
Since Stephen Colbert has been off the ballot for some time and shows no sign of a great comeback, then I’m going to have to go with alternatives. The list starts at Mitt Romney with his stereo typical mafia look all the way down to baby face Mike Huckabee, but fellow soupers let me tell you that I have been seduced by only one perfect Vice-president who would not only unite the country but could probably even bring Rudy Giuliani back from the dead. This person is a mix of experience and charisma or like some ignorant voters would say Hillary’s feminism and Obama’s Blackness, if any. Her name, if your friend with a goatee hasn’t already told you is Condoleezza Rice.
She has denied it many times but we can see through that promiscuous smile of hers, even though her dream is to be the commissioner of the NFL, this polyglot girl- genius can’t get the white house off her mind. 
So next time instead of freezing up and wasting all the precious Wii time, quickly check who are the vice-presidents and let that guide your response……………… and get new friends.
This is a short story I wrote. It was published recently in a touchstone book. Enjoy.
Not like a Bolivian
By Diego Ibañez
My cousin and I are both proud Bolivians. We know everything there is about Bolivian philosophy and culture. Don’t ask us stupid logical questions like “how many inhabitants are there per square mile?” Because we’ll just call you a square racist
Fact: Bolivians are like spiders for the universe. You wouldn’t squish a spider web in the corner of your house ceiling would you? Not if you knew that spider was holding your house together.
My cousin and I think that Bolivia should conquer all of South America starting with Brazil. We think we could help Brazil. To begin with, we would give everyone clothes to wear. Poor Brazil, I don’t know how they live with themselves. There is only one problem: Bolivia only has one Tank and a half.
It’s still statistically possible says my cousin. No I say, we would at least need five tanks, everybody knows that.
Fact: Bolivians like rice. In fact, it is widely known to Bolivians that not eating rice everyday is considered a crime punishable by years of rice eating. In the U.S. Americans do interventions where the family confronts an individual about their drinking problem. Not Bolivians. They do rice interventions where they confront their family members about their lack of eating rice.
I have a great strategy about how to conquer South America. We need to surround all of South America and force them into surrendering their names and countries. I stole the idea from the board game Risk but only a true Bolivian could grasp its genius. There’s only one problem: Bolivia herself is completely surrounded by five other countries.
Theoretically possible I say. Impossible says my cousin.
Fact: The first failed attempt by the U.S.A to put a human on Mars will be Bolivian. That is because Bolivians love giving sacrifices to the gods and since Bolivians consider the U.S.A. a God; we would gladly do it for her.
My cousin thinks we should build a theme park similar to Disneyland but better and bigger and call it Bolivia Land. He says we should charge tourists a million dollars to enter and then use that money to buy the countries around us. There’s only one problem: Columbia. They already make a lot of money selling drugs so they would obviously laugh at our offer.
Financially possible my cousin says. Impossible with Columbia around I say.
Fact: Bolivians are the best at soccer. Wait, that’s misleading, let me rephrase that to Bolivians are the best at watching soccer. They are the best soccer watchers because they will scream at any soccer game even if they do not know who is playing or even if they are not sure they are actually watching soccer.
My little brother got into the conversation and said that we should invite all the leaders from the South American countries to a royal ball and ask them if they would like to make one big united powerful country. Nah, my cousin and I say. Besides, you’re only half Bolivian.
Fact: Bolivians never use their name in vain. That’s why you will never hear a Bolivian say “oh my god, he was blown into oblivion!”
After my little brother made us a hot dog sandwich I had no choice but to let him into our Bolivian domination group. So we continued to share ideas.
The Navy, says my cousin. No ocean, I say. The moon, I say. No rockets, says my little brother. So I kicked that little half Bolivian punk out of the group. Besides, he was only holding us back.
Fact: Bolivians don’t believe in using swear words. Bolivians also believe that any swear word in Spanish doesn’t count as a swear word.
At the end of the day my cousin and I are older, fatter and still broke of ideas. We needed something huge, something with a bang! The only thing we got was nothing. Bolivia was still poor and surrounded with a lama as the country animal.
Fact: Most Bolivians believe in god or are superstitious. When a family member becomes an Atheist he is frowned upon by all of his family, even the atheist ones.
My wise Bolivian mother tells us that if we do our homework and work hard, all the best ideas will eventually come to us. She’s probably right my cousin says. She is the smartest Bolivian we know, besides us of course. Of course I say. We decide to continue our brain storming after dinner. What’s for dinner I ask? Rice says mother. Perfect. Fact: Bolivians think best on a full stomach of rice.
Why can’t I be you,
your always bright
I’m just sitting here wasting the night.
why can’t I be you,
enjoying life
I’m only glad when I see a knife.
I’m not a cutter,
I don’t like pain,
but yet I face it everyday.
I cant stop the anger
it hurts so bad,
why cant I be you
you are never sad.
-COOK
The pain I’m feeling
you can’t compare
I’m cut deep inside
it’s very rare
the pain I’m feeling
It’s really bad
my face won’t show it
I’m more than sad
the pain I’m feeling
the used to be’s
there all gone now
and they left me
-cook
its dark in here
I’m all alone
I cant see
I’m without a home
the other people look at me
and all I wonder is
what do they see?
There is a girl in here
she is alone
she cant see
without a home
all of us just look at her
Its dark in here
but wait, there is a voice, a light
the girl picks her fight
to run away
or take the bite.
-COOK
If I had one wish, I’d wish you here
you to wipe my tears
you to understand
you to be nice
hold my hand
walk me through the dark
no one else has the heart
If I had one wish
then all of us would live in a town
no crime no frown
she would be healthy
they wouldn’t fight
we would have fun
everything would be all right
If I had one wish I would make her well
let her relax
her life right now is a living hell
I guess this big wish just can’t be
but it has to be
my wish can come true
I just gotta believe
and the rest god will do
-cook
Depresed is a feeling deep down inside,
Deep down inside where it can hide
You see me dark and alone,
You say my name, but no one’s home
I cry a little every night,
Afraid to move,
Afraid to fight,
I’m just starring into the night.
A voice I hear,
The light is near,
Yet I’m still hear
Alone… Depressed.
-Cook
